Stillbirth:  Tania and Dan

‘Normal’ is a really common word during pregnancy. But all pregnancies are different and differences are often explained as normal.

During the first trimester we had been nervous, aware of the risk of miscarriage. Once we’d passed that point we were convinced everything was plain sailing from here, all down hill, past the danger zone.

At the anatomy scan we held our breath and were reassured that our baby daughter was healthy, perfectly formed and within the size range of her dates. From there on in we confidently prepared for the arrival of our daughter. We had no idea that anything could go wrong from this point. We were blissfully unaware that there were any risks. It’s just not something that is talked about, nor covered in antenatal classes, plus this pregnancy was progressing ‘normally’.

When Tania went alone for the regular midwife checkup at 31 weeks, we were completely unprepared for things to be ‘not normal’.

At first the midwife had difficulty finding a heartbeat, so organized an immediate scan. The scan was completed in silence. Within a minute of being on the table, the scan confirmed the unthinkable, that there was no heartbeat.

I was in shock, “Is this possible? Has this ever happened to anyone else? Healthy babies don’t just die in the womb! How did this happen? Was it somehow my fault?” Next I had to make the hardest call of my life, to tell Dan.

The next few days were a painful and scary time. Trying to deal with the grief of losing our baby daughter, we also had to face the sudden prospect of going to hospital, being induced, giving birth and organising a funeral.

The next day we visited the hospital, and were admitted. A blood pressure check showed what was ‘normal’ previously, was now high and a first sign of pre-eclampsia. The next day we were induced, and in a short 3 hours our beautiful angel, Mia Rose, arrived silently. She was perfect and beautiful; she had her Dad’s nose and Mum’s delicate fingers.

This tragic time was devastating but made somewhat easier by the wonderful and compassionate team and counseling at the hospital, and the great work carried out by Sands (Stillbirth and Newborn Death Support). The Sands pack encouraged us to make memories of our daughter, things we would not otherwise have thought of through our shock. Because of this we have our cherished photos, a memory box and were able to appreciate the short time we had, and share her with family.

Later, the postmortem confirmed placental complications. The placenta did not implant properly restricting its function and resulted in the pre-eclampsia. Sadly, we’re left with ‘what-ifs’; had things been less ‘normal’, had the sign’s of pre-eclampsia shown earlier, would intervention have been possible? We have slowly accepted that it was not our fault, but the guilt is the hardest part to let go of, as parents you feel responsible for your children.

Through the Sands support meetings we have learnt we are not alone. This tragic event does sadly occur in other families. It can often be hard convincing the outside world how painful it is to have lost Mia, that she is a real person, our daughter, and that it is a pain that does not diminish or something that you ‘get over’. Sands have given us friends, support and surrounded us with people who understand how we feel.

Through this we have changed, we have grown; we have learnt that life and children are so special and precious. We are determined to honour Mia’s memory, to be good parents and to make her proud.

Tania and Dan have taken part in The Auckland Stillbirth Study (TASS), a research project that aims to identify the environmental and lifestyle factors that might increase the risk of late stillbirth.  They hope their participation in this study will help other families avoid the tragedy of losing a baby.

• To read about The Auckland Stillbirth Study, please click here.